Peach Philosophy

After almost 3 weeks of visiting family I'm finally home. In light of the fact that we are moving in four days, my home-coming is bitter sweet.

I got teary on my favourite stretch of road by Nambucca Heads McDonalds and seeing the kangaroos in the front yard almost had me sobbing like a girl from the Bachelor without a rose.

This is the first time in 17-years and 8 moves that I've felt at home. It's not because this has been the happiest place for me. In fact, I can honestly say that the worst moments in my life have occurred in the house pictured above. When we moved in 3-years ago I had severe post natal depression, a 10-month-old and the most hideous house-wife-pants in Australia.

My recovery was slow---two steps forward and one face plant into a chocolate bar. However, PND was a great learning curve for me. When I set aside the time it stole from me enjoying my daughter, I thank God for the 15kg weight gain and the total emotional breakdown.

See I was always a peachy-people-pleaser. I was soft and sweet and my purpose in life was to keep everyone happy. My life was peachy. I loved my job and my life and my baby would just blend into my life. WRONG.

I got PND. My daughter cried all the time. I couldn't get back to full time work. My marriage was strained. I kept trying to be a peach. Be sweet. Be kind. Be thoughtful. Then I cracked. I stopped caring about everyone else, and my entire purpose was to raise my daughter and survive myself.

The soft sweet goodness that I thought defined me was scraped off painfully. All that was left was a pip; the gnarly scarred pip that I'd been hiding under all my kind deeds and ready smile.

At first I was embarrassed by what I'd become. I looked in the mirror and mourned the girl I'd been. I packed away my work dresses and silk shirts and gave myself over to the tracksuit pants. I let go of work and my dreams of being happy. I buried myself in God, my family and began writing again. Light came into my world. My daughter stopped crying. My marriage strengthened. I wrote five young adult novels, I even self-published one.

(Shameless self-promo)

What I've realised on this journey is that the process of becoming a pip, was exactly what I needed. The childish parts of me had to be striped away including, my motto fake-it-till-you-make-it, because making it meant that I would only ever be a peach. 

That's not really a fruitful existence. God wants us to be more, He wants us to live fruitful and abundant lives. Which means we all have to accept pip status before we become trees. Ideally the process would be like a pedicure, but for me it was a two-year stint of PND.

Even though I'm past the peach stage, I know that I still have a lot of growing to do. Fruit trees are not immune to winter, and I'm sure that hard times will come. Today I'm stronger, wiser and ready to meet the demands of life. 

I don't know how this blog finds you; if you have wrestled your demons and are a blossoming fruit tree, a pip or a soft round peach. I just want you to know, that wherever you're at, you're not alone. Reach out for help, and keep looking for an answer till you find one.

I wish you love, strength, joy and courage on your journey. When it gets too much, I want you to remember that you are destined for great things. When spring comes we will all stand tall and make the world a more beautiful place together. God bless you.

The only reason I can speak about my experience as a positive one is because I sought help. Mental illness can strike anyone at any time, it is not a test from God, but an illness that needs treatment. Please seek help.

If you are experiencing lack of appetite or increased appetite, sleep disturbances, crying, irregular mood swings, thoughts of self-harm, feelings of worthlessness, please consult a physician.

Mental illness is a silent killer, break the silence and find health.

Beyond Blue